Dear Nora Jane,
I know I usually wax poetic on your birthdays, telling you how much being your Mom has changed me (because it has), and how incredibly wonderful you continue to be (because you do), but today feels a little different.
Today you’re ten.
Yes, years old.
Which means that the wildest adventure I ever began started ten years ago today, which also means that- somehow- you’re no longer the tiny pinched-face potato tied to my chest, and I’m no longer the gal who spent an oh-so brief amount of time in a blissful state of playing babydoll. (Why’d you have to crawl and stand so early? What was with all of the self-feeding?)
Nora, since we met on that sunny October afternoon in downtown Chicago, you’ve become one of my very favorite people in the entire world. You’re empathetic, you’re a voracious bookworm, you’re wry as heck, and you’re a genuinely pleasant person to sit in quietude with. (Girl child, that is such a good trait in a human being.)
But along with that kind nature and sharp mind comes an awareness of the world that sometimes- okay, often- hurts. And you’ve never known a world without the constant access to information and media, so I think that ten years-old is a good time to lay down ten things to know about how things work:
1: The internet is ever-present, with every single member’s ever-present (and ever-changing) largest emotion on display for the world to see. Keep in mind that, while a lot of the information is true and important, an equal amount is false and an utter waste of brain space. Just because someone’s shouting something into your face, that doesn’t mean you are under any obligation to listen. And you know how it seems like the news are always filled with tragedy? It doesn’t mean that the world is unevenly terrifying. It just means that the job of the news is to make the news seem like A Really Big Deal. Find sources you respect, stay informed, and unplug as often as functionally possible.
2: The internet, it should also be noted, is forever. Anonymity is dead. Only put out to the world what you’d feel comfy chatting about at a crowded party. (Trust me on this, sweets. I’ve been blogging- and blogging your life, too- for a looong time. I’ve seen this space take some dark turns.)
3: Your body, goals, thoughts, and personal space are entirely your own. Starting now. (Starting ten years ago.) Consent is real. Consent is absolute. Give of yourself- but only on your terms. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that you owe others except for respect, and nothing, absolutely nothing about you that anyone you ever meet will be more in charge of than you. (Being nice is nice. But don’t ever confuse “nice” for “permissive.”)
4: People are good. Nora, keep this one close. People are so good. They want to help. They want to love their neighbor. And, when given the chance, they’ll show up for you in ways you didn’t even think to ask. Give them that chance. Asking people for help is one of the hardest things in the world- and also one of the most rewarding. It’s a gift to be intelligently vulnerable and, in times of hardship, it’s a kindness to give people who want to do something– anything– a purposeful task. (Also, accepting help eases the weight of the world from your shoulders from time to time. If you’re anything like your Dad and me, you’ll struggle with this one. You’ll also be moved to tears time and again when your crew lifts you up. Make sure to return the favor.)
5: Which brings me to…find your crew, kid. It’s not always as stereotypical as the stay-at-home Moms or the book club or the trivia night peeps- although it definitely can be. Your crew can be people who hang out in packs or simply consist of excellent friends here and there who serve various purposes in your life. Fill your boat with people who answer your text at 1am, know what looks terrific on you (and know where to find it on the cheap), go out with you when you need to dance, let you have large feelings on their couch, and never require you to return the Tupperware. (These probably won’t all be the same person, and they might not even reside in the same time zone as one another. Ain’t that freeing?)
6: Sometimes anxiety is just excitement masquerading as fear. Sometimes it’s more. Know the difference, and make sure your crew includes people who know how to sit with you without fixing- and who’ll know when to encourage you to see your therapist.
7: Get a therapist. Every last one us of is kind of a weirdo, and we’ve all got thoughts that deserve sorting out. A good therapist you respect can make the trickiness of life feel more manageable, and checking in with a therapist makes you a kinder, more receptive partner, parent, and friend. (Trust me on this one, kiddo.)
8: Put yourself out there. Even a cozy, cheerful introvert like yourself needs to occasionally come out of your comfort zone. This is how we make best friends, create incredible art, fight for the underdog, and experience life in the coolest way possible. You know that saying “do one thing every day that scares you?” That’s way too much. (Don’t you think so, too? I bet you do.) But maybe one new thing a month? That feels more manageable.
9: Go outside and decompress for a little bit each day. Even if you live in an urban area forever and “nature” consists of a small planter of basil on a fire escape ledge, go outside and poke your fingers into the basil soil. Being barefoot outside is like saying to the Earth “I’m here and you’re here and even though I’m having feelings about a book report that may just crush my brain, this too shall pass and the grass shall grow.” (Or something. Maybe find your own mantra- mine was kinda wordy.)
10: You’re going to make mistakes. Tons of them. You’re not perfect and you never will be and that’s wonderful. It’s your job to figure out what works and what doesn’t, as well as who, what, and how to champion- and it’s mine to be as darned supportive as humanly possible while encouraging you to [safely] figure it all out. Feel free to remind me of this often.
After all, I plan to hang out with you for as long as you’ll let me. If that’s cool.
Am I still cool to you? You’re ten now. Things change when you’re ten, as you’ve been telling me lately.
Here are a few more things to know:
I’ll always, always be on your side.
You’ll always, always be a good person doing their best to make the world a little bit more good.
And Nora: I’ll always, always love you an unshakeable, unquantifiable, unapologetic amount.
(Times ten.)
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