9:03 p.m.: You know what? I don’t feel good. I bet I’d feel good if I did a cleanse. A really hardcore, greens-only, strictly liquid kinda cleanse. For three whole days. Starting tomorrow morning.
9:04 p.m.: Good Lord, I’m going to look incredible. My skin’ll probably glow, too.
9:05 p.m.: Maybe I’ll eat eggs though. Hard-boiled ones. With absolutely nothing on them. That n’ green juice. Man, I’ll feel great.
9:06 p.m.: Are almonds okay? I think almonds are okay. Unsalted ones. But only, like, a small handful.
9:12 p.m.: I am already so hungry this is a terrible idea I need to go make a snack.
9:20 p.m. (in response to P.J.’s suggestion that I go to bed): YOU GO TO BED.
6:30 a.m.: I am so tired. But the sluggishness will be gone tomorrow, hoo boy! Coffee is totally allowed on a cleanse, thank God.
6:33 a.m.: Kale smoothie! I am so not even hungry! CLEANSE FOREVER!
6:40 a.m.: P.J., why’d you make me an egg? I’m on a- oh, wait! I can have eggs. Jeez Louise, I’m starving.
7:27 a.m. (in the shower): I don’t think I’m going to make it. I can feel my stomach eating my major organs.
7:45 a.m.: Maybe I need more water. Maybe two glasses of water. Maybe three? With lemon!
7:51 a.m.: Ugh, I am overly full of sloshy water and sadness.
7:52-9:14 a.m.: <—Dark times.
9:15 a.m.: CoffeecoffeecoffeeIhavenoideawhypeoplesaycoffeeisbadcoffeeissososogood!
9:58 a.m.: I am tired. My world is tired. That is all there is in my world; tired.
11:10 a.m.: I’m hungry enough to eat this apple. I hate apples. I hate everything.
11:13 a.m.: I wish I had another apple.
11:45 a.m.: I’m going to pretend that this mug of water with lemon is food. Let’s go ahead and add a second slice of lemon. HAHA LOOK I AM BEING WHIMSICAL.
12:02 p.m.: No, let’s go ahead and pretend that food is food.
12:05 p.m.: Oh look, a lettuce salad. How effing original. Screw you, lettuce.
12:07-5:02 p.m.: [Removed due to offensive language.]
5:03 p.m.: If I can’t eat, ain’t no one gets to eat.
5:32 p.m.: I’ll make eggplant parmesan. But with no cheese. And no breading. And zero pasta.
6:01 p.m.: Guys! Get to the dinner table! Eggplant parmesan with every single ingredient I’m not allowed to eat today becauseIamonacleanse!
6:04 p.m.: (Eats three bowls.)
7:45 p.m.: (Makes big show of marching around the house Not Snacking.)
7:52 p.m.: (Eats egg.)
9:30 p.m.: (Gets in bed early to stop thinking of how m-f’ing hungry one gets while cleansing.)
9:31 p.m.: I think I totally lost weight today.
Speak Your Mind