P.J. creeps at a Victoria’s Secret store.

P.J. handed me a Victoria’s Secret bag after work last week .

This is not super unusual.

I know there are a lot of directions we can go with this information, but here’s what you really need to focus on: by handing me these Victoria’s Secret bags (on a near-quarterly basis), P.J. believes he is gaming the system.

Still with me? Okay. You know those coupons for free underwear (we do not utter the word “panty” in our household) they mail out willy-nilly throughout the year? (Note to self: Never again include the phrase “willy nilly” in a paragraph negating the word “panty.” Check.)

Anyhow. They mail out coupons for free undies (which usually retail for $10.50- which, I mean…) and I assume the marketing ploy is that folks will arrive for the free undies and leave with, like, a forty buck bra or something.

P.J. will not be ployed.

P.J. Victoria's Secret

Ladies…

He walks in, coupon clutched in gloved hand, and buys one pair of lace-edged underwear. Then he leaves. GOOD DAY, SIR. (I SAID GOOD DAY.)

But last night, P.J. came home and began explaining.

I had no sooner thanked him for the undies (which are purple and pretty darned adorable, if you’re interested in that kind of thing) before he began second and triple-guessing himself.

Here’s a rough transcript of what went down, according to P.J.:

“…The girl working there asked if I was interested in a bra and I didn’t want to be rude…”

“…I told her your bra size and started gesturing about the fabric one you like…”

(This was around the time he realized he was making “boob cupping” motions at an absolute stranger of the female variety.)

“…She looked weirded out, like this (makes weirded out face)…”

“…I told her I’d just stick with the underwear and got in line…”

“…I found myself noticing the pants of the woman standing in front of me because they were really tight…”

“…Then I was like, ‘you’re staring at yoga pants. GAH. Don’t stare at that woman’s pants!’ “

“…I looked around for something else and realized- they’re all wearing yoga pants!”

“…So I started looking up and around and found myself staring at a giant poster of a woman in a bra…”

“…And looked somewhere else and it was a giant poster of a woman in undies…”

“…’Look at your phone, you idiot!’ So I did. But man.”

“…It’s a good thing I’ve grown a beard since Christmas.”

(Me: Because they didn’t recognize you from the last time you went in for just undies?)

“…Yeah.”

The takeaway:

My husband is ridiculously adorable. I have new underwear. P.J. might need to engage in some community service.

And P.J. should never be without a phone at the ready.

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