I know what you’re thinking.
“Keely,” you seem to say. “Don’t you spend an awful lot of your day convincing your children to not draw on the walls?” Why yes. That’s the truth. But here’s another truth:
All bets are off once Mama has a DIY project in her mind and a can of spray paint in her hand.
Let’s begin.
Who doesn’t love a good funky chalkboard? Besides dustphobes, clutter-haters, and those averse to the potential for nail on chalkboard action. Excepting THEM, let’s go ahead and say “nobody”.
I guess our kitchen was looking a little too bright n’ airy n’ missing that special element of more artwork to be strewn around, so I decided to make my very own chalkboard frames to hang, gallery-style. The first stop on this high class endeavor was to swing by our neighborhood Village Discount Outlet. (Tip #1: Don’t be afraid to go for big and ugly. The more looks you get at the check-out, the more likely it is that you’ll have an insanely cool frame edge once the thing gets spray-painted. Also, haven’t you always been curious about whom- exactly- buys those hideous pieces of “artwork?” The answer is now me. I buy those hideous pieces of artwork.)
They were just GIVING these frames away! I KNOW!
Next, pop the backs off of those suckers. (Tip #2: The more oddly shaped staples there are holding that thing together, the higher quality that monolithic still life probably is. Rip so many smallish pieces of metal out of that frame that your husband, upon bagging up some trash, will politely inquire about the shrapnel fest which must’ve occurred in his absence.) Lightly trace where you want to hang your soon-to-be-enviable gallery. (Tip #3: Use pencil. You will overestimate your own ability to trace a stationary object.)
Notice how faint the pencil lines are? This is a good thing, trust me.
I’m like an excitable wombat when it comes to tracing.
Now for some fun! Thwack some chalkboard paint onto that wall! This is especially heart-stopping if a) you’ve recently renovated a goodly portion of your kitchen by hand (using funds that aren’t exactly “real”), b) you have no idea if this is going to look good at all- whose stupid idea was it to paint black squares onto the most trafficky area in the damn house, and c) your husband fears change like a caged Pomeranian on his way to the vet. Oh, go ahead, throw another couple of layers on it. Let dry. Or don’t. Because, honestly? You’ve already painted black shapes onto your kitchen wall. The rules clearly no longer apply to you.
Good Lord, that’s majestic.
Head back outside and spray paint those beauteous frames a rather shiny shade of gold. (Tip #4: Do not forget to ensure you have enough newspaper coverage! Haha! No reason!) Spray lightly. Spray a little harder. Wonder where this rogue wind suddenly picked up from. Wash your foot. Decide that the manufacturer doesn’t really understand your needs or life choices and disregard the instructions to wait an hour between coats. SPRAY.
Like a pro.
Once all parties are dry and all appendages are washed, hang the frames with a drywall screw in the general direction of the shapes you’d so carefully outlined. Swallow your horror at your ability to properly line up anything, anything at all. Move the screw a little to the right. No, I meant down. Too much. (Tip #5: Erred wildly on the placement of your frame? Decide on any ol’ place, secure a screw the Jaws of Life would give up on, and add a wider border of chalkboard paint. That weirdly ornate frame and its wide edges aren’t looking so terrible anymore, am I right?)
Marvel at your artistic prowess. Take a small, sad moment to acknowledge that this corner of the room will never ever again be clear of chalk dust nor smudged handprints.
Show your children! Remind them very very strongly that only chalk can be used! And just right here! No, you cannot draw on the cabinet! You know what? Go sit down. You’re not ready for kitchen chalk.
Relent. Because- God, that looks fun, right? Join them.
“Never remove this,” she says.
One of us is missing the point of “chalk.”
And prepare yourself for the shiny-eyed silence which will fill the room once your other half sees what the heck you’ve done to his kitchen.
You’re welcome, babe.
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