People have been telling me to enjoy these last two weeks of sleep before the baby comes.
People are downright insane.
Because I can say- with all honesty- that I’ve never slept this poorly in my entire life. That’s right, folks: my sleep is non-existent even WITHOUT this new kid. And I don’t say this sort of thing lightly. I really don’t. Back in college, when everyone was one-upping each other with brags about how little they’d slept or could get by on, I was the one napping at least twice a day.
Once, on an early call for the filming of Spiderman 2, I dozed on a folding chair in a frigid room full of yappy actors.
And I think my Mom will back me up in saying that I was her kid who never gave up the afternoon nap. As in, I’m 33. And still demand an afternoon nap.
Bottom line: I’m an exceptional sleeper. I sleep through thunderstorms and crying children. When P.J. travels, he’ll ask how the girls did the night before- and when I report that we all got a solid nights’ sleep, he believes that his children have been up wandering the house all evening because their mother was incapable of hearing them. (Which I can neither confirm nor deny. Because I have been sleeping.)
But lately? Oh, lately it’s been a cryfest of epic, non-sleep proportions. I’ve got a rotten case of pregnancy insomnia. (And have for the past month.) I’ve been having a bit of fun with 4am false labor. (For like three weeks, making me believe that folks who say fake labor leads to real labor are STUPID JERKFACE LIARS.) And when I wake up to pee (roughly seven times a night), I’ll waddle back to bed and be awake with all the anxious fears that could ever cross a borderline rational person’s mind. And then I’ll be up until the girls stir. (Or until it’s time to pee again.)
At least someone’s getting some sleep in my bed.
Listen, at least post-baby I’ll have those magnificent c-section drugs. And/or the ability to sleep on my back without losing my breath. And- OH MY WORD, eventually I’ll be able to sleep on my stomach again. (In roughly two months.)
And sure, little kids bring their own brand of HA HA, YOU THINK IT’S TIME TO SLEEPitude, but most (lucky) folks tag team out with their spouses. And get back to bed ASAP. And invest in children’s Motrin. (I’m just saying.)
Regardless, I know that parents are expected to get by on a general lack of sleep. But this is ridonk. And I do not accept.
I would much rather be snuggled up with a wide-eyed newborn at 4am and feeling all of those post-baby endorphins as opposed to P.J.’s “accidental” flailing elbows in response to my whines about how much my back huuurts. (His lack of 4am empathy does not bring all the endorphins to the yard.)
But it’ll be worth it. I know it will. Because soon I’ll have that wide-eyed newborn (and the knowledge that I’ll nevereverever again be pregnant ha HA) and will get to enjoy all of those awesome things that come once you actually have the kid.
Like those sweet, sweet sleep-inducing drugs.
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