With a few notable exceptions, being sick changes once someone is home with kids. It just does. Here’re some scenarios:
You wake up in the morning, sick as a dog.
If you’re sans kids: First, ask yourself if you’re just hungover. Yes? If so, pop an Alkaseltzer, go back to bed, and remember how awesome it was to go out the night before and drink and socialize and not pay a babysitter. (Now shh, we’re done here. DONE.) Not hungover? Call in sick if possible, get back to bed, watch some fabulous junk TV, nap.
If you’re with kids: Get out of bed and make each member of the family a full breakfast. Pack some lunches. (Make sure to utilize the most fragrant of deli meats.) You’ve got a little leeway in terms of acceptable clothing, but those kids need outfits with buttons and snaps and laces and hair bows. Have they gone potty yet? Spend some extra time wiping them. ‘Cause- law of averages- today I guarantee you’re gonna need to. Drive them to school. Pretend your double vision is just a fun amusement park ride.
You need to shower, stat.
If you’re sans kids: Take a shower.
If you’re with kids: Don’t know what to tell you, here. You are not getting that shower until your husband or wife returns home. Actually, you know what? Hold off a bit- within an hour, at least one of your offspring will be yarfing (most likely on you) and you can double up. Spa treatments have nothing on holding a squirming child in a lukewarm/cold spray of water while finger-combing pasta chunks from their hair. While you’re in there, consider soaping yourself up or at least stepping into the water. Once out of the shower, use the one clean towel in the bathroom (come on, Universe) on your kid and bundle them off to bed or the couch, get them jammied and medicined, put on their favorite show, give them a smallish sip of their preferred beverage, find their best lovie (and backup), artfully spread towels and washable blankets around the patient, and give Warning Eyes to any other currently not-yarfing children. Take a moment to remember that you are still, for all intents and purposes, entirely naked.
You’ve gotta get to the doctor:
If you’re sans kids: Make an appointment. Keep it.
If you’re with kids: Hop into the van, kids, we’re goin’ to the doctor! (Actually, not so fast. Is everyone currently dressed? Pottied? Did you pack yet another fragrant snack and/or sippies for each smallish traveler? How about an activity for the waiting room? You know, the kind which will go largely ignored?) Hoist and buckle everyone into the car. Unbuckle and hoist everyone from the car. Wrangle. Entertain. Shush. Strip down entirely naked (you’re quite the exhibitionist today, aren’t you?) for your doctor, a few nurses, and a good cross-section of people related to you. Answer some extremely personal questions (from your doctor as well as your children). Get dressed. Hoist and buckle yet again- and unbuckle and hoist at the pharmacy. Wait. Wait. Wait. Hoist and buckle. Drive home. Start dinner. Leave your prescription on the counter for a good five hours before remembering to take the first dose.
And whether you have kids or don’t, take solace in the fact that this, too, shall pass. Unless your husband falls sick.
There’s no advice for that one.
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