It’s a poorly kept secret that I’m kind of a shoe expert. Now, I’m no Imelda Marcos, but I’ve been known to horde my lovely pairs of shoes (and line them up by color, give them cute li’l nicknames, check on them in the middle of the night…) Anyhow. Recently, an extremely helpful guide was published on the always-funny (some might even say #MotherFunny) NickMom.com:
And while this is a pretty darned accurate list, I feel like I can throw in my two, Kinda Expert cents. You’re welcome.
Biker Boots: Yeah, you may be idling in the preschool pickup line, but on the inside? You’re just one well-worded offer away from jumping on the back of a hog and hitting the open road with a guy named Tank.
Flipflops: It’d be easy to say that choosing flipflops indicates a level of comfort and relaxation…but in actuality it means you’re secretly angry at your arches (and it’s still slightly too warm for Ugg boots).
Photo credit: static
Flipflops With Kitten Heels: You’re a very confused person. Bordering on deranged.
Ballet Flats: Now, this one is another seasonal tell-all. Is it the tail end of Fall? The endless abyss of a Chicago winter? Then this choice of footwear clearly states that you’re a) newly out of college, b) newly arrived in a major metropolitan area which would require a hella amount of public transit, and/or c) probably not-so newly identifying as A Cute Girl above all else. As opposed to A Girl With Disintegrating Shoes. Or A Person With Frostbite.
Shoes With Excessive Embellishment: Hey, third grade will be the best year ever!
Photo credit: MissMessie
Any Shoe Costing More Than My Mortgage: You know what? This type of shoe-wearer doesn’t allow for the viewing of Nickelodeon (or any of the other cable channels which make life worth living), or the listening of music, or the consumption of foods like corndogs- which are easy decrees to enforce, what with the day nanny, night nurse, and personal chef at their beck and call not to mention the fact that the employment of such staff ensures a safe distance from the kids who angrily demand things like television and radio and foods that come on sticks. God, I hate this type of shoe-wearer.
And I think we’ve just figured out what this last category says about me.
Love,
Keely (who’s rocking some sock monkey slippers).
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For more supra-funny awesomesauceitude after the kiddos go to bed, check out NickMom.com, give a follow at @NickMom, and swing by their Facebook page.
You can even go barefoot.
(Hippie.)
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