I [try to] make it a habit to not mock people. Truly.
But every now and again, something simply amazing crosses one’s desk. Namely mine. And even though I cannot say whose impressive stats these are- nor how I received this gem- I felt that I had to share.
I give you Julia:
But Keely, you say. That’s nearly impossible to read! I know. Apparently in whatever region of the world in which this chick resides, the mimeograph machine is still alive and well. Adding to the background distortion is the unfortunate stationary choice of small, grey, musical notes.
I shall sum up.
Julia is looking to be a secretary. Or something in the “sales/manage” field. (Very lucrative, that.) She offers to furnish recommendations, but they are not attached- oh no, not our Julia. Keep ’em guessing. This seems to be a skill that has served her well in her past TWELVE FULL-TIME JOBS. And considering that she has a newborn son (we’ll get to that later), I can’t imagine she’s geriatric.
She offers to work weekends- with notice. Don’t go pulling out the last minute phone calls here, no sir. That will not play.
However, she was let go from her first listed job because she had to care for the aforementioned newborn son. The manager wouldn’t accommodate her. Those fragrance counter bosses are jerks.
Her second most recent job was as a server (where she “served food to customers”- ah) which had to end because she wanted to work nearer to home. Also, “business slowed.” Legit.
The next server job ended when she moved- this happens.
The restaurant job right before this told her she was “not needed.” Right. Okay, Julia, I’m on your side.
Listed after that one was a restaurant where she she “served food and beverages.” Emphasis mine. Good for you, J! Except- oh man- the cook “served too hot a plate- reheated” and you were “burnt and hurt.” I would’ve quit, too. (Except my Dad would’ve told me to wear long sleeves and buck up. Whatever. Different styles, that’s all.)
Then comes a waitress and bartending gig that turned out to be too far to drive in winter. You’re killing me here, Julia.
This was preceded- incongruously enough- by a UPS job as a loader where you lost your job because of pneumonia. This sounds…improbable. BUT I WISH FOR HER TO SUCCEED so I continue reading on to…
…Another restaurant job where she left to- “care for son.” Hmm. This wouldn’t be the newborn, would it? Did she have all of these jobs within four months of giving birth?!
Then we’ve got bartending at Applebee’s. And the reason we left- again- is “childcare.” I’m starting to doubt either that a) Julia desires to work outside of the perimeter of her yard and b) that these “children” are real. Photographic evidence, please.
Another server job- except that this place was closing. I hear that. And she wanted to “work closer to home.” JULIA!
Right before this was a semi-successful stint as a server and “inline dancer” that was abruptly ended when she was “hurt at dishwasher broke glass cut deep and manager not aware of problem in restaurant.” Was he inline dancing? Was he also aware of the grammar problem in résumé ?
The oldest job was- yet again- a waitressing job gone bad. (Where the heck did UPS come from?) This time she had to leave because there weren’t “enough computers to get work finished for serving.” Which is compelling. Yet I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that maybe one’s kids were involved. Or the proximity to someone’s home. Maybe they made her dance.
She sums all of this up in a tidy paragraph reiterating that the aforementioned are all places at which she has worked. Adding to this list of skills are the curiously capitalized Secretary, Engineering Science, Architecture, Piano, Saxophone, 4-H, Modeling, Manager, and Assistant Manager (at a Mall.) Of lesser importance- and thusly not capitalized- are drafter, estimator, sewing, crafts, and makeup.
She has [unlisted] “retail experience.”
Oh, and that year of Saxophone? She was privately tutored by someone who “graduated the Julia rd [sic] Music School.”
I think she’ll be just fine. How could she not? After all, she was a model.
And an estimator.
I have an estimation or two right now. More an “odds” kinda thing.
I’ve always been good with numbers, especially if they’re of the two-step variety. But before you get too excited…
…I’m no Julia.
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