Nora and I are taking a trip in a couple of weeks. But this post is not regarding air travel, nor does it concern my staggering amount of arrogance to think I can wrangle a toddler solo in an airborne contraption.
No, this is about customer service. Or rather, customer disservice.
I live about twenty minutes down the highway from O’Hare International Airport. This is important to note because yesterday, whilst dealing with a booking representative, it occurred to me that it might have been easier to walk up 90/94 and throttle the agent rather than speak with her any longer. This would’ve proved extremely difficult as: a) I am a pacifist, and b) SHE WAS IN INDIA.
And I had to call, you see, because there was no way to add Nora on to my ticket during the purchase without speaking to United. Which has their major hub in Chicago. Where I live. But not the booking agent. She does not live here.
And even though the website informed me that there was NO WAY a lap baby could be added without speaking to someone, my helpful representative warned that there “may be a surcharge” for speaking with her. (The previous recording also told me that call volumes were “higher than average” and asked me if I wouldn’t just rather try out their website.)
The helpful overseas woman asked me to spell my name and list my mileage number- despite having been forced to punch in such information before I was even allowed to hear the proper recording. (Why do they make me do this? Are they giving me brain teasers to stave off boredom/dementia?) And even though I spoke it, dialed it and repeated it, she still got the last name wrong, mucking up any hopes of pulling up the correct itinerary. (Where are you flying from? Chicago. Where I live. That should be in the ol’ file, too.)
She seemed really confused when I told her I wanted to bring my daughter with me. (You’re bringing your baby?! Yep. I like her. We go places together.) I then began spelling out my kid’s first and last names to expedite the process- N like Nancy, O as an orange, R as in rhinoceros… She then snapped at me to use “real phonetics,” as the connection was “very bad.” This was said accusingly. Well gee, KAREN, I can see United’s office from my house. But you’re right- it’s most likely trouble on Chicago’s end. (Also, we are not in the Army. Rhinoceros is a perfectly fine R word.)
I then attempted to spell out Nora’s names with “real” phonetics. This is awfully hard! I had enough trouble coming up with “orange,” it took me darn near a year to remember “Oscar.” Finally, towards the end she asked- “Oh, Schoeny? Like your last name?” YES! JUST LIKE MY LAST NAME.
Towards the end of our relationship, she had a bit of a sneezing fit. She then apologized. “I have a very bad cold.” There was a weighty silence. I did not acknowledge it.
I’m pretty sure someone owes me money. Surcharge, indeed.
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And how about this gem? I was having trouble logging into an account which I needed to close. The email was correct, but I just couldn’t finagle the password. Finally, I hit the ’email password’ button, which I hate doing- I’m pretty sure doing so signs you up for mailing lists for the next eighty years- and I got this reply:
Retrieved lost password: bYdRfaPxcWzQduaQMda7Mba3dtvJgj
Ah, there it is! My ol’ password! Good old…that thing.
I don’t know what kind of shenanigans those people are trying to pull since a) that is no automated password that I’ve ever seen, and b) there is no way I’d ever choose that monstrosity since I’ve been using BillyIsHott since roughly 1991.
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And I promise promise promise that this is last time I’ll blog about this (here, anyhow): Head on over the The 2011 Bloggies site and vote for your favorite inane Blah Blah Blog in multiple categories. One ballot per email address, per favore! Here are categories that I like: Most Humorous, Best Writing, Best Kept Secret, BEST BLOG EVER…and ones I don’t have crazy odds of winning: Science, Religion, Asian. Put Lollygag Blog as the name, www.lollygagblog.com as the URL…and wait by the mailbox for your congratulatory corn dog. Need rec’s for the other two blog slots in each category? Leave a comment here and I’d be more than happy to help you out. I read a lot.
Sometimes there aren’t even pictures.
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