Friends: 0. (Sigh.)

Notably, my “friends.” Notice the quotes. I do not put the quotes around my real friends. (I use my arms!) The former are people whom, if I happened to bump into, would most likely not recognize. My “friends” are people who could care less about my writing, my daughter, my husband, my “dream house” (more quotes!) or status updates regarding anything in the previous list. I shall delete with wild abandon, starting with:


People Who Are Stupid: Yes, on paper this sounds harsh (but on a webpage it’s positively blinding). People who cannot spell, consistently fail to use punctuation (four sentences with nary a comma nor a period, por ejemplo) or who think THAT ALL CAPS IS ACCEPTABLE FOR STATUSES LONGER THAN A WORD. Quality of status is nice, too, but I thinking I’m aiming too high. Maybe we can put a kibosh on statuses that are the entire day’s happenings, complete with color commentary and a tremendously abusive amount of ‘lol,’ j/k, ‘hahahahahahahahahas,’ and such.


This group is but a distant, stupid memory to me. Also:


The Malcontents: Yes, we all have gripes. I’m having one right now! But c’mon, peeps, if every single day is such a trial, perhaps you have bigger problems than “Monday again? DAMMIT!” The amount of people for whom each day’s status is a complaint that it’s “that” day…is simply staggering. And those are the folks who post all Sunday about how the weekend is almost over! So, Saturday at 11am is a good status-time, then? (Unless you’re hungover. DAMMIT!)


And let’s not forget…


The Flag-Wavers: I am consistently alarmed and amazed by the amount of so-called patriotic citizens on Facebook who could not give a fig about 80% of this nation’s residents. Supporting our troops is great. I love America, our armed forces, the freedoms we enjoy and the ability to complain about it. But sometimes I want to ask the Flag Wavers whom, exactly, they think our troops are fighting to protect? If I go by status updates, I’d have to guess upper class, Republican, straight white dudes. Apparently everyone else is on their own. (Interesting to note: this group and the ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME gang do a lot of cross- mingling.)


Wow. That was, quite possibly, the most political I’ve ever gotten on here.


Let’s take it back down a notch to-


The Rest Of The Bunch: The Haterz, The Drunks, The Pollyannas, The Loss-Of-Identity-My-Baby’s-Pic-Has-Replaced-Mine-Procreators…oh, I could go on.


And yes, I’m highly aware of the fact that I break a ton of rules as well. I post about Nora like it’s a part-time job (as someone snarkily asked me last week- “So, you have a kid?” DELETED!) My housing problems are the biggest deal in the world. I litter your homepage with blog posts. I’m [usually] irritatingly optimistic. My husband is hot.


These things annoy a ton of people. I understand.


However– and this is the crux o’ the whole thing- if we are friends? Real friends? How-are-you-I’ll-wait-for-a-response friends? These updates shouldn’t be akin to nails on a chalkboard.


Just sayin’.


*****


Confidential to…anyone who hasn’t deleted me by now:


Nora’s five months old today/We had an ant “thing” in the house but Peej obliterated them/Went to a great dinner party with the extraordinarily tolerant bitsy babe/Met with the Lady Writers this weekend for brunch, ginger cocktails and superior writing/Had my butt handed to me in pilates- since it’s still big enough to actually be handed, I should probably continue to go/I’m making this rad shrimp dish for din tonight/I managed to shower today- before noon!/Good God, are you still reading? We must be friends.


Hugs (with arms, not quotes),
Keely

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